October 08, 2004The introduction of the back-page Guide in the New York Times Arts & Leisure section last weekend, authored by yours truly, prompted a few reader emails. Some answers:
Q. I'm producing a version of Genet's The Maids starring a highly-trained Tagalog-speaking school of sharks. Can I get that in the Guide?
A. No doubt! Send an email to theguide@nytimes.com.
Q. That newspaper emits rays which control my brain, no matter how much alligator blood I smear on my torso. Please stop?
A. You'll have to contact the NYT mind control team -- TV critic Virginia Heffernan and Sunday Styles commentator Bob Morris currently co-chair that committee.
Q. I'm launching a new fragrance for Christina Aguilera. Can I get that in the Guide?
A. Sure! Oh wait -- no! No, you cannot.
Q. You only cover things that appeal to dogs/things that appeal to people on the Upper West Side/things that only appeal to hipsters/things that are so last year/things that no one cares about/things that everyone has already heard of/things that annoy me/things that are scary and new and too far downtown for me.
A. You clearly have excellent taste. Why don't you drop us some tips at theguide@nytimes.com? Come aboard, we're expecting you!
Q. I want even more listings!
A. Check out the Friday Times, which debuted a gorgeous ton of new cultural listing and information whatnots today.
Q. How far in advance do you need information about my pumpkin-carving lessons/squirrel ballet/production of baroque harp songs?
A. Thanks for asking! A minimum of two weeks in advance is good -- three weeks in advance is optimal. One week in advance is way too late, unfortunately.
Q. You didn't cover my Klingon-translated song cycle of The Corrections!
A. I can't put the lotion on if the lotion isn't lowered into my cistern via a basket. Next time, send an email to theguide@nytimes.com.
Q. I hate you. I hate you, hate you, hate you!
A. That's okay! I hate me some days too.
Q. I hate the New York Times. I hate it, hate it, hate it!
A. That's okay! I hate it some days too.
Q. How do I get you fired from this freelance gig?
A. Please write to:
Arthur O. Sulzberger, Jr.
Chairman, New York Times Company
Publisher, The New York Times
229 W. 43rd Street
New York, NY 10036
Or you can harass public editor Dan Okrent -- everyone else does, poor guy, although you should note he doesn't handle personnel matters.
Q. What are you listening to right now?
A. Wendy & Lisa's classic Fruit at the Bottom, courtesy of my own personal savior Anil Dash.
Please note: None of these statements represent the views of the NY Times or its editors. I am not an employee of the NY Times. None of the questions above were actually sent in by readers. I am not actually made of cheese. Any other disclaimer you can think of also applies. Thank you for playing.
